Inner Monologue From The Walk To The Deli On My Lunch Break

Memo to the boy who had his arms around my waist last night in a vain attempt to try to get me to go home with him: Next time you stand that close to a female that you are trying to get to come home with you, make sure you haven't had enough alcohol to make a Navy man jealous. Your breath smelled like you ingested a gallon of heavy wood shellac. If you want to know why I was leaning back so far, that's why. Also, the number that I gave you is fake, so don't worry about calling.

Have you ever had one of those nights out with friends, where you are just spending time together not worrying about anyone or anything else? And you sit there just telling stories and laughing so hard that your sides feel like they're going to split open? And your eyes are tearing and you can hardly catch your breath? And you lose track of time and can't believe how late it is? And you just don't want it to ever end? Do you love those nights? Me too.

Agenda for tonight: Go home. Order in sushi. Lay on couch. Watch TV. Go to sleep.

I heard on the radio that we've gotten 26 inches of rain so far this year. Does that seem like they're lowballing it a little bit? I mean, I'm no meterologist but if I was asked to give it a number, I would have said at least 50 or something.

OK, I caught Letterman again last night. Has anyone seen Harrison Ford lately? I heard he had gotten and earring but I thought it was a goof. I saw him and he's really wearing it. Is it just me or is it really sad to see the best movie stars of your youth fight so weakly against advancing age? And Calista Flockhart? Please, I've built card houses that aren't as flimsily constructed. She's thinner than Robert Blake's alibi. Harrison, please just let this whole thing go. It's not good. You're upsetting me.

Oh, one more thing to the boy at the bar last night: I'll admit it. You know how to hold a girl around the waist.

Here's a good indication of how horrible TV is now that we're in repeats. I'm actually excited to go home tonight and watch the thrilling conclusion of "TV's Top 50 Animals" on the Animal Planet channel. Who will it be? Tune in tonight at 8 PM and find out.

Turkey for the girls and turkey for the boys. My favorite kind of pants are courdoroys. God, I'm so tired.

Update: There is a scene in the movie Beautiful Girls, when Natalie Portman is ice skating and Timothy Hutton comes up to talk to her. Timothy Hutton says that he's going to become Pooh to her Christopher Robin. She says, "No literary reference left unturned" and asks him to explain, which he does by telling her that Christopher Robin grew up and he didn't need Pooh anymore, that that's how the book ended. If there is a cuter, more subtly sad scene in recent movie history, I haven't found it. Also, if you have not seen this movie, do yourself a favor. Rent it.

Next Week: Fiction Week

Inner Monologue From This Morning's Elevator Ride

God, I feel like I was here less than 10 hours ago. Wait a minute ... I was.

My favorite awkward elevator moment: When the guy upstairs that confessed his love for me at the Christmas party last year gets on and gives me an awkward smile then stands with his nose pressed against the doors praying that they'll open quickly so he can get off of the elevator as fast as he possibly can. I feel horrible every time he gets on the elevator. I'd try to start a conversation with him but he's so obviously embarassed, it's best just to let him go.

Thom Yorke, if you are reading, I'd like to tell you two things. 1) Please never, ever stop making the music that you make. I got "Hail to the Thief" as soon as was humanly possible and my first reaction was that I'm going to throw all of the other CDs that I bought this year in the garbage because you've made them look like shameful imposters. OK, not really but I dreamt about it last night. 2) My offer stands. You name the date and the place and I'll be there in a white dress to marry you.

I'm not much into the mainstream movie critics because I find that a lot of them are motivated by some sort of personal prejudice one way or the other. Plus, I like a lot of stuff that usually gets panned, so it's hard for me to trust them. However, if you want to read a man who earnestly evaluates film and doesn't hate everything that he sees, read Andrew Saaris in the Observer. He knows his stuff and his writing isn't as condescending as, oh I don't know, the movie critic with whom he shares a paper. Without giving away the name, let's just say he's a grumpy, old man who's name rhymes with "Hex Meed."

I didn't get home until late last night, so I got a chance to watch Letterman for the first time in weeks. May I just say something? I know he copped to the whole thing. I know he's apologized and now he's got his job back. I'm sorry. Every time that I look at Marv Albert, I can't help but think about him wearing women's underwear. It has haunted my dreams from the moment I found out and will continue until the day I die.

Am I disturbed because the only thing I could think about yesterday was how I wasn't going to have time to post and it made me really sad?

Well, it's supposed to rain this weekend again, so I guess I'm going to have to go home and continue working on my ark. Do you think god will let me take my Tickle-Me-Grover with me?

I'm a fairly tolerant individual. I accept people and things for who and what they are. You have to. So I'm asking, nay begging, Madison Avenue, please make the Miller lite commercial with the fat guy standing over the other guy in the fountain go far, far away. It hurts me to watch this commercial. The female objectification doesn't bother me. Anyone getting their ideas on life from a beer commercial probably isn't running with me anyway. But if I have to stare at the fat ass soaking wet anymore, I might just lose it entirely. Thank you for your cooperation.

Inner Monologue From This Morning's 10 AM Status Meeting

I really thought that the Finance people were the most boring people in the company. These people come to each meeting with riveting stories of budgets, actuals and projections. Along comes Research and just swipes that title right away from them. The Neilsen company must be the worst company to work for EVER! If the people there are anything like the people crunching the ratings numbers here, their Summer Picnic must be something like a weekend at Ralph Nader's place.

OK, so the Devils won the hockey thing. Was anyone watching? I know I was flipping uselessly through the channels in a vain attempt to find something that could pass for entertainment. Note to everyone: If you get a chance, try to watch some of this "Out of Order" show on Showtime. It's a little hard to watch. It's kind of jumpy and rough but the stories are pretty engaging. The characters are really the richest part of the show. I highly suggest that everyone give it a try.

Let's see. Stan, how in love with the sound of your own voice are you? I'll let you in on a little secret, Stan. Everyone here knows that you are sleeping with your secretary. We all also think you are a disgusting piece of shit for doing it because you have two young children and a wife at home. Oh, and we all also think that we've never seen a tie that ugly.

As it turns out, the Mark Walberg on the "Test the Nation" show wasn't the Mark Wahlberg (note the difference in spelling). This begs the question: Which one of your should change your name? Because honestly, no two famous people should have that name. Given your individual feats in entertainment, you are ruining it for everyone else that happens to have the name. Also, considering the possibility of exposing the entire nation as a group of slack-jawed morons, the studio audience passed with surprisingly flying colors. Don't pat yourself on the back quite yet, America. I think if they scored this your collective IQ would come in just a hair below the average mark.

I think I see a glimmer of hope. The In-Laws remake barely cracked the top 10.

I took out a classic today and slipped it into my CD player. I sat at my desk and listened to it this morning. I have to say, it stands the test of time. I bought the album in junior high and it was awesome. I listened to it in high school and it was amazing. I listened to it through college when some boys were jerks to me and it made me feel powerful. And now I took it out again and it still works. If you like, take out your copy of Carole King's "Tapestry" and play it again. I'm fairly certain you won't be disappointed.

If they didn't give bagels out at this meeting, it might be the worst hour of my entire week. Currently, that distinction belongs to 4-5 PM on Thursdays, whne I have to sit down with my boss and her boss and go over the week's work. Nothing says "Good times" like an hour with those two. They make George Will and William Buckley look like the Hilton sisters.

We're done!!!

Inner Monologue From This Morning's Subway Ride

2 Fast 2 Furious is the number one movie in America??? Is anyone in this country even a little discriminating anymore? Or will anyone just slurp up any piece of garbage that's put in front of them? If you are reading this and you saw this movie and you are thinking about writing me to tell me that it was a good film, please don't waste your time. Short of "Lisa, they are sending you commission checks," there's nothing you could say that will change my mind.

Memo to David Spade: Shave the chin pubes and cut your hair. Every picture that you take these days makes you look like a child pornographer. Also, I don't really care. You're gay. You're not gay. Whatever. Just let us know already. I'm dying of curiosity.

Sir, I count 8 piercings on your face. Two in each eyebrow. One on your upper lip. One on the little thing between your nostrils. One on the left side of your nose. One in your tongue. How badly do you want to get back at your parents?

All right, I'm seriously going to have to find something else to do during the week. I'm looking at the TV listings. The following are your network choices for TV tonight: A repeat of "King of Queens" on CBS, the horrendous NBC reality show "Fame," "Test the Nation" on FOX (where Leeza Gibbons and Mark Wahlberg give the studio audience an IQ test) and the NHL Finals on ABC. Someone call Alec Guiness because I think we have a world record on our hands.

Let's speak about "Test the Nation" for a moment. You have two idiots giving a studio full of idiots an IQ test. Who gave this show the green light? Are we really in this much of a hurry to show the rest of the world just how poorly educated and horribly stupid we are? I understand that they are having celebrity guests that include Debbie Matenopolous. Debbie! Matenpolous! Taking an IQ test! On second thought, 8PM on channel 5, eh?

Note to self: New Radiohead. Tomorrow. If the buzz is correct, this could be the best album of the year.

I'm a fairly worldly person. Been a lot of places. Seen a lot of things. I thought I'd seen just about everything that Hollywood had to offer. Then I read the paper. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher? I can understand that people find Ashton Kutcher attractive (though personally I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a grapefruit spoon) but I need to call timeout here. Demi, sweetheart, I know it's been rough since Bruce left. I know that you felt you had to do Charlie's Angels 2 to get your name back out there. But I just want to let you know that Jeopardy! had a category called "Things That Are Hitting The Wall Harder Than Demi Moore" last night. Just an FYI.

I saw Jennifer Connolly on the street this weekend and I'd like to let everyone know that she's just as stunning in person as she is on screen. This stunningness wasn't blunted by the fact that she had dark glasses and a hat on. It wasn't blunted by the child that she was walking around with. It wasn't blunted by the lack of makeup on her face. I've seen many a celebrity walking around this fair city and I have to say that it's refreshing to see a movie star that is just as gorgeous as you think. And I'm really, really jealous.