President Grover Cleveland was both the 22nd and 24th president of the United States. The only man to serve two non-continuous terms, he is also the only President to be married at the White House, having married 21-year-old Frances Folsom in June of 1886. I spoke with President Cleveland via clairvoyant on June 6, 2003. He is my great-great-great-great-great-great-grand uncle. A man of firsts, he was the first man to lose the country's highest office despite winning the popular vote, losing in his bid for re-election to Benjamin Harrison in 1888. He died at his home in Princeton, NJ in 1908, at the age of 71.

Lisa G.: Mr. President, thank you for taking this time to speak to me.

President Cleveland: No problem at all, Lisa. Love the website.

Lisa: You have computers in Heaven?

PC: Actually, I'm in Hell. A bit disappointing really, but what can you do? We have computers down here but there are no porno websites.

Lisa: I'm sorry to hear that. How's Hell treating you?

PC: You know, it's not as bad as I thought. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's unbearable. All of that descriptive language in the Bible made it seem like it would be so much worse. Fire, brimstone, damnation, yada, yada. Sure, that's all true but I don't know. I'm not sure what I was expecting really.

Lisa: Well, they say it's not the heat. It's the humidity, right?

PC: That's not funny.

Lisa: Sorry. I understand you were the only president to be married at the White House. You were 49 years old when you married Mrs. Cleveland. She was 21.

PC: My dear Frances. I understand that she's in Heaven with the angels now. Also, Ben Harrison.

Lisa: Um, right. Here's the question. A 49-year-old marries a 21-year-old girl at the White House and Clinton gets impeached? Any comments?

PC: Hey, I'm with you. Clinton's impeachment trial made [Andrew] Johnson's look like a party at Zack Taylor's house. Boy, could that guy party. All I can say is different times call for different measures. I like that Clinton though. I suspect we'll be catching up with him somewhere down the road.

Lisa: You are my great-great-great-great-great-great-grand uncle. Do you keep tabs on the family?

PC: I try to when I can. There's a lot of stuff to be done around here. When you are hauling coal to the furnaces, pushing boulders up a hill and cooking Satan brunch, it's hard to watch everything. I see everything I can though.

Lisa: What do you think of Abby's boyfriend?

PC: He's a sloth, a jackass. In my day, if my sister brought home someone like that, my father would have had him out on his ear. He's looks down Bonnie's shirt every time he gets the chance.

Lisa: That seems to be the consensus. Tell us what it was like during the Civil War.

PC: It was just as it's described to you. I was a young man, pressed into military service. We lost a lot of good men, young men. Friends of mine who were to be doctors, lawyers. In those days, the Republican party was much like your Democratic party today. President Lincoln was a good, moral man with an important vision. He did everything he could before he was killed. We mourned him deeply.

Lisa: Is that what made you want to become president?

PC: No, not really. I just wanted to make a difference. I was sort of thrust into politics.

Lisa: Change of topic. Do you like my hair this way?

PC: The old way was better. Stay with this for a while. You'll grow into it.

Lisa: Fair enough. One last question: If you could have one day to be alive in 2003, what would you do?

PC: Wow. I'd probably just want to see everything. You have an idea, but you just don't know how different everything really is from when I was alive. I died in 1908. There were less than 250 cars in the whole country. People didn't lock their doors at night outside of the big cities. New York City has grass and hills and trees outside of Central Park. I won't even get into food cleanliness and business regulation. Oh, also, I'd get some of those pectoral implants.

Lisa: Thank you, Mr. President, for your time.

PC: Take care of yourself, Lisa. Great-great-great-great-great-great-grand uncle Grover is watching.

Next week: Inner Monologue Week

Lynne Grover is entering her 25th year of teaching in a central Long Island school district. She has taught various grades over the course of her tenure, but for the last 10 years she has primarily been a middle school Social Studies teacher. She is also the theater advisor. The Spring Musical, an inspired production of "Kiss Me, Kate," drew rave reviews from the school's administration. On June 5, 2003, I spoke with Lynne during her period off. She is about 5'3" tall. In fact, other than her hair (which is blonde), I look remarkably like her.

Lisa G.: Hi Mom. Thanks for taking this time with me.

Lynne G: Is this for your computer thing?

Lisa: Yes, it's for my "computer thing."

Lynne: I don't know if I want the whole world reading about me.

Lisa: What kind of circulation do you think I have? This isn't CNN.com. It's an Internet journal.

Lynne: All right. What do you want to talk about?

Lisa: If you don't want to do this, we don't have to.

Lynne: No, no. It's fine. Have you called that boy that I gave you the number for?

Lisa: Mom, I'm not calling him.

Lynne: Why not? He's very cute. He does well for himself. Lives near you.

Lisa: First of all, he's 33 years old. Secondly, he's an accountant. Third, I'm not calling him. It's just weird.

Lynne: All right, suit yourself. But it wouldn't hurt to call him.

Lisa: I'm not calling him.

Lynne: OK, fine. You'll do what you want anyway. (editor's note: Yes, I will do what I want, which is not call)

Lisa: So, Mom, you and Dad are coming up on 30 years together. How's that feel?

Lynne: It's wonderful. We have three wonderful daughters. I have a wonderful life. It's everything that I could have hoped for and more. (editor's note: Her voice is quivering a little bit. Do I make her cry at school?)

Lisa: That's nice. Dad said yesterday that he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Lynne: He's a liar. He likes that Bachelorette that was on TV last year. I think he'd sell me out for her.

Lisa: Touché, Mom. Good one. Dad has a thing for Trista. Good to know.

Lynne: Other than that, though, I'm sure he's telling the truth.

Lisa: Fair enough. Are you excited to go shopping for school with Abby?

Lynne: You know I love that stuff. I'm glad you'll be there though. She gets so hardheaded sometimes. You should have seen the dress that she got for prom. I almost passed out when I saw it. It's about 6 inches above her knee and her boobs stick out the top. I'm sure that boyfriend of hers will have his hands full.

Lisa: Ewwww. What do you think of her boyfriend?

Lynne: Your father calls him, "The Jackass." I don't use that language but I'm not crazy about him. He's always staring at Bonnie also, like he's trying to look down her shirt.

Lisa: Yeah, Dad mentioned the word "jackass." How's school going today?

Lynne: First period wasn't so bad. Second period is usually the bad one. I had to send a kid to the dean today. Only about half the class does the homework. Only about half are going to pass. The prospect of having these kids again next year doesn't sit well with me.

Lisa: How close are you to retirement?

Lynne: It sounds like an old person's word. I'll be ready soon enough. I'm not telling the world my age, but the district lets us go at 55.

Lisa: I love how you think the world is going to read this.

Lynne: What do I know?

Lisa: All right, Mom, last question: What time did Bonnie get home last night?

Lynne: 3:15 in the morning. You know I can't go to sleep until everyone is home.

Lisa: Yeah, I just wanted the world to know. (editor's note: My mom is kind of cool, too)

Lynne: Are we done?

Lisa: We're done. I'll see you Saturday.

Tomorrow: Mystery Guest

Dave Grover is a partner at a midtown law firm, where he has worked for the last 15 years. He's been married to Lynne Grover (neé Harris) for 29 years. On the morning of June 4, 2003, I pulled him away from the exciting world of legal briefs and contracts to ask him some questions. He stands about 6 feet tall. His hair, formerly jet black, is mostly grey now, spotted with some of the black. Some would decribe this as "salt and pepper." I prefer "Salt and Pepa." He is a smart man with a dry sense of humor.

Lisa G.: Hey Dad. You have a few minutes?

Dave G.: For you, always.

LG: Aw, you're sweet.

DG: You want me to buy you lunch today?

LG: That should work for me. What time?

DG: I'm free from 12-2. How's 12:30?

LG: Sounds good. OK, Dad. You've been married to Mom for 29 years now. Any big plans for your 30th anniversary?

DG: Mom and I have tossed around the idea of going on a second honeymoon. With Abby going to college and Bonnie already there, it might be a little tight. We'll do something nice though. Maybe a weekend away or something. Your mother always loved that place in Carmel that we went to.

LG: Carmel?

DG: It's in northern California. Clint Eastwood used to be mayor.

LG: Yes, I know where Carmel is. I just never knew you went there.

DG: You don't know a lot of things. (editor's note: I can see the sly little grin he has on his face through the phone. I employ this grin myself.)

LG: What's it like spending that much of your life with another person? I can't imagine spending that much time with anyone. Sometimes, I even have to close the door on my roommate.

DG: It's nothing that I could really describe on the phone, Lis. Your relationship with your roommate or your friends or even your sisters is fundamentally different. Your mother and I share everything together. Life, children, a bed, the Sunday Times, my soda, everything. She's an extension of me. I signed on to spend my life with her, to share my life with her. Is it easy? Not always. But there's nothing that I would trade it for. You'll know what I'm talking about one day.

LG: When you were my age, you were married. Do you think I'm missing out because I'm not married or even close to married?

DG: The only thing you are missing is a steady piece of tail.

LG: Dad ...

DG: Sorry. No, of course not. Your life is your life. Things are different now. You'll meet someone. I'm not worried about you. Bonnie, I'm worried about her. She's less willing to compromise and less grounded in reality than you are. I guess that partly my fault. But you two were always different. Abby is more like you.

LG: What do you think of Abby's boyfriend?

DG: The kid's a jackass. It comes from upbringing. His parents are probably jackasses. Also, I think I caught him trying to look down your shirt. But Abby's happy with him. He seems to be good to her and I know he's not going to be around forever. I'll live with him for now.

LG: Fair enough. How's your golf game?

DG: I shot an 87 last week. I missed a 4-foot putt on 18 for 86, which would have been my best round of the season. I'm getting a little rusty. I'm hitting longer than ever but my short game just won't come around.

LG: None of that means anything to me.

DG: Then why'd you ask?

LG: I don't know.

DG: Fair enough. You have any big plans for the weekend?

LG: Abby asked me to come home and play shopping buffer with her and Mom. So I'll probably come home on Saturday for the afternoon. Can you believe she's graduating high school?

DG: I can't believe that she's going to college already. You are all still my little girls, even though I can't pick you up anymore. Well, Abby sometimes, but she's fights me on it. You drop a kid once and all of the sudden you're irresponsible.

LG: Very funny. Last question: What do you think the Knicks chances are next year?

DG: Not good. Layden is driving this team into the ground. They need to draft a young center to grow into the position. They're capped out. McDyess is done. They have about 6 swingmen (editor's note: Swingmen are players who can play both shooting guard [the "2"] and small forward [the "3"]). If they could somehow package Allan Houston and bring back a servicable point guard, they might have a chance at the playoffs. Houston's contract is too big. Spreewell will be the one to go and that's too bad. He's the heart and soul of this team.

LG: Follow up: If McDyess is healthy, does this team make the playoffs?

DG: I'd say, probably, but only because the East is so weak.

LG: Thanks, Dad! I'll see you at 12:30. I'll come to your office.

DG: OK, sweetie. I'll see you then. (editor's note: My dad rocks.)

Tomorrow: Lynne Grover, my mother.

Abby Grover is senior at a high school on the south shore of Long Island. Due to the advent of early dismissal at said high school, I was able to speak with Abby over the phone on June 3, 2003. Abby has decided on a state school in the Midwest for the upcoming Fall semester. She will be spending most of the summer with my mother, getting necessities together for her impending move to college. She isn't thrilled. Her prom is coming up. She is thrilled about that.

Lisa G: Hey, Abbs. Thanks for subjecting yourself to this interview.

Abby G.: No prob, Lis. How's things?

LG: Things are good. That guy I went out with a few times is starting to annoy me. I stopped returning his phone calls. What did you think of him?

AG: He was OK. You could do better though.

LG: You think so? Thanks. That's good to hear.

AG: Of course you could do better.

LG: So, prom is coming up. Have you gotten a dress?

AG: Yeah, Mom flipped out when I came home with it. She said that I left nothing to the imagination. I said, "Reality is so much better." It's a little low cut, I'll give her that. But I've got the goods, so I'm not worried. I'm really excited about the prom.

LG: Fair enough. How about your man? What's his story?

AG: He's fun for now, but he's a little bit of a jackass. He's cute enough to go to the prom with. He'll photograph well. He cleans up pretty well, when he's not wearing those disgusting baggy pants. Also, I think I caught him trying to look down Bonnie's shirt.

LG: I see. What do you think of my hair?

AG: I liked it better the old way, with the bangs.

LG: Really? Bonnie said the same thing. She said it took attention away from my forehead.

AG: She's right.

LG: I think I'll have to change it.

AG: No, stay with this for a while. You might grow into it.

LG: OK. Are you excited to go away to college?

AG: So excited. A whole bunch of orientation stuff came in the mail for me yesterday, so I have to sort through all of that stuff. I've settled on my dorm. Dana and I are both going to (state school in the Midwest). Did I tell you that?

LG: No, that's cool though. When did she decide?

AG: A couple of weeks ago. Iit'll help I think. Meeting people isn't really the hard part becasuse everyone's meeting people. It's finding people you like that's the hard part. It's going to be weird going to a school with so many people. I feel like I know everyone in high school.

LG: Finding people you like is hard everywhere. And you feel like you know everyone in high school because you do. There are only like 500 kids in the whole school.

AG: Good point. Anyway, I'm not thrilled about all of the shopping time with Mom. But any shopping time is good time, I guess, especially when you aren't paying. OK, Lis, you've got me for five more minutes. Then I've got to go to work.

LG: How's work?

AG: I'm so sick of bagels, I never want to eat another one.

LG: How's John? (editor's note: John owns the bagel store. I used to work there in high school also)

AG: He says hi. He's still busts the guys' asses, but he leaves me alone.

LG: That's because you are cute. He loves cute high school girls. How are his kids?

AG: Josh is going to high school next year.

LG: Jesus, how old do I feel?

AG: Very?

LG: OK, smart ass. Last question: Can I have my room back when you go? (editor's note: Abby and Bonnie shared a room until I left home, when Abby moved into my old room)

AG: No. Where am I going to sleep when I come home?

LG: Fair enough. Thanks for doing this, Abbs.

AG: It was fun catching up. Are you going to need a second ticket for graduation?

LG: No, we decided I'm not returning his phone calls.

AG: Oh, right. OK, I gotta go to work. Bye!

LG: Bye.

Tomorrow: Dave Grover, my father

On June 2, 2003, I had the pleasure of sitting down with Bonnie Grover, my 20-year-old sister. Bonnie is between her junior and senior years at a large, East Coast institution. She's of medium build and about 5 feet 4 inches tall. We spoke over the phone for a little while this afternoon because she refuses to wake up early. Also, she wouldn't pick up the phone until about 1:30 PM.

Lisa G.: Hey Bonnie. Thanks for doing this interview.

Bonnie G.: Thanks for having me.

LG: All right. Let's get down to it. How are Mom and Dad doing?

BG: They're doing alright. They keep asking me to tell you to call.

LG: I'll call them later. You are doing nothing this summer. Tell us about that.

BG: It's everything I wanted it to be and more. Usually, on most days, I'll wake up at 11 AM to catch the last of three episodes of Dawson's Creek on TBS. After that I'll go downstairs for some breakfast (or lunch, depending on your worldview) and watch some more TV. There's usually an SNL repeat on the Comedy channel. After that, if the weather's nice, I take mom's car and go to the beach. Depending on how drunk I got the night before, I'll nap on the beach for a few hours. If it's a work day (editor's note: Tuesday and Wednesday are workdays), I'll head home around 4. If not, I'll wait until 5. I get to work at 6. Otherwise, I'll call the girls up and see what's going on for the night.

LG: You mentioned work. How are you enjoying that?

BG: It's OK. I've managed to get it down to where I only drop a plate about once every other shift.

LG: You're a real DaVinci.

BG: Um, thanks.

LG: So what do you think of my hair?

BG: I liked it better when you had those skirted bangs. It took a little bit of attention away from your forehead.

LG: Interesting. You think I should go back to the bangs?

BG: Stay with this for a little while. You have the kind of hair that looks so much better when it's up. Make sure you wear it up.

LG: I'll do that. I was thinking about buying that skirt that I showed you the other day. Should I get it?

BG: If they have it in the brown, you should get it. Earth tones look good on you. Black, white, and gray are too binding, too permanent for you.. Easy, non-threating colors suit your bone structure better.

LG: Agreed. Remember that dress that I wore to your graduation?

BG: That's what I'm talking about. That dress was perfect for you. Do you still have that dress?

LG: Yes. Do you want to borrow it?

BG: No, I'm more of a dark colors girl. Besides, you're too skinny for me. You and Abby (editor's note: Abby is my other sister). You're both so skinny.

LG: What do you think of her boyfriend?

BG: Truth?

LG: Truth.

BG: I think he's a bit of a jackass. Did you see what he was wearing the other night also? My god. Plus, I think I caught him trying to stare down my shirt.

LG: Me too!

BG: Figures.

LG: She'll figure it out. OK, OK. Serious interview. With the G-8 summit going on in Europe now, what consequences, if any, do you think there will be fiscally for the United States? Do you think that the strength of the Euro will drive economic recovery here in the US?

BG: Uh ....

LG: Just kidding.

BG: Oh. Funny. I guess.

LG: Next question: Where should I go on vacation this summer?

BG: Hmm ... well, are you going away with the girls?

LG: Yeah. Donna, Julie and Jessica.

BG: Oh, fun. You should go to the Bahamas or something.

LG: Good idea.

BG: Thanks.

LG: One last thing. Remind Abby to call me tonight. I have to interview her tonight.

BG: No problem.

LG: Thanks for doing this.

BG: I had fun.

Tomorrow: Abby Grover