Minor Inconvenience

I'm sorry that I called you in the middle of Sportscenter. I promise that I'll never do it again.

I'm sorry that I asked you to listen to me about my day. I promise I'll never make you listen to that again.

I'm sorry that I wanted you to come out with my friends and me and spend some time at that party last weekend. I promise I'll never make you spend a weekend night with me again.

I'm sorry that I asked you to stay with me. I promise you'll never have to worry about that again.

I'm sorry that I wanted you to be someone that you didn't think you were. I promise I'll never ask you to compromise again.

I'm sorry that you weren't man enough for me. I promise I won't think about you again.

Dream On

I threw the change in my pocket on the counter. The clerk looked at me and then rolled his eyes.

"What's it look like?"

He looked at me, again, and then looked at the counter. Why do you put me through this, convenience store guy? Am I not human to you? Just another stoned teen here at 2 AM to look at shiny things. There's only one problem. I'm not stoned. And I'm not a teen. I'm just a guy with limited change in his pocket at 2 AM.

"A yodel. A small water. Or a hot dog."

I looked at the hot dog machine. I don't think they've cleaned the hot dog machine since they invented the hot dog. You know what I love most about the hot dog? It's hot and not really a dog. Wouldn't that be weird if it actually was a dog? What if it barked? Hey, clerk, can you make my hot dog bark? Don't you know ventriloquism? Well, don't get all snippy. I'll throw my voice instead. Jeez.

The clerk walked over to the machine and I followed him. He took the tongs off of their holster thingy and went to take a hot dog.

"No, not that one. The other one. No. No. No. Yes, that one."

He took my hand-selected wiener and placed it in its bun. He slid the dog over to me and I barked out loud several times for effect. I made no effort to disguise that I was doing the barking. The guy in the back looking for the cheapest malt liquor he could find didn't seem to care anyway.

The dog was hot and tasty. I suppose not cleaning the machine gives the dog its special flavor. You've done well for tonight clerk. Done well indeed.

Are We Having The Same Conversation?

"Hello?"

"May I speak with John, please?"

"This is."

"Hi, John. It's Lucy."

"Hi Lucy. How are you?"

"I'm doing pretty well. I'm just recovering from that surgery."

"What? When did you have surgery?"

"I had surgery a couple of weeks ago. You knew this."

"No, I didn't. Good god, are you OK?"

"Yes, it was just routine foot surgery. I told you all of this over lunch about a month ago."

"It's been longer than a month since I've seen you. We never had lunch. My goodness. Do you have to do physical therapy?"

"Yes, of course, that's why I'm calling. You said you'd be able to drive me back and forth."

"I don't even have a driver's license. It got suspended a couple of months ago."

"Then why did you tell me you'd drive me to physical therapy?"

"I wouldn't have said that because of the suspension. I was hauling Class C explosives across state lines without the proper permits."

"What? What were you doing with explosives?"

"What do you mean? I'm a blaster. I blast for a living. I always have explosives. I let the permit expire by accident."

"I thought you were a lawyer."

"A lawyer? I hate lawyers. A lawyer killed my parents."

"Your parents? Don't they live in Bethesda? I met them about 6 months ago."

"They've been dead for ten years. You knew that. It happened on your birthday. You went to the funeral."

"I didn't go to any funeral for your parents. Wait a minute. Is this 555-3284?"

"No, this is 555-3824."

"Oh, sorry about your parents."

"It's OK. Hope your foot gets better."

"Thanks."

"Bye."

Laugh For Noone Else

"Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Premature dog."

"Premature dog wh --"

"Woof, woof."

**laughs**

Thank you for laughing. It means a lot to me. When I'm drunk enough to let my guard down around you, things like that slip out. The next morning, when I think about it, I'm embarassed enough that my face turns red 6 hours too late. But you are always kind enough to laugh. You're kind enough to not laugh at me, even though you probably should. I wouldn't mind either. Laugh at me, with me or even near me. I like to hear you laugh. I like to see you smile. I like it even more when you smile at me. And I feel like a ten-year old because I can't tell you. Strangely enough, it's because I'm afraid you'll laugh.

So a quick note to you: Thank you for not making me feel like a total ass. There were four other people there. Three of them called me "drunk girl" and the other one just shook their head. But you laughed. And you did it for me. And it meant a lot. And I wanted you to know.

I love it when you laugh for me. Is it too much for me to ask that you laugh for noone else?